Detach

I've been thinking, as per usual.
I think the reason I get hurt so easily, is because I attach to anyone and everyone. Even if they aren't particularly kind to me.
I need to start working on detaching myself from these people, even if they've told me they're my friends, so that I don't hurt myself. Because I do, I hurt myself every second I'm not in contact with at least one person I'm attached to. So I'll have to 'ween' myself off of my addiction of being accompanied all the time. Not that hard, I hope.
But Ive noticed how desperate I get when I'm waiting for someone, or when someone suddenly has to leave me for whatever reason. I get anxious when I feel I'm being rejected, when I feel alone. All because I attach to everyone like it's nothing.
So, I'll be working on re-directing my attachments. It's all I can think of. Instead of people, I'll cling to things. I can have things on me all the time, and things won't leave me. I can lose them, but then it'll really, actually be my fault. It won't be my imagination that it's m fault. It sounds better than what I'm doing now.
I'll find more things to distract myself with in the meantime; distract myself from the fact that the people I cling to are not available whenever they become so. To stop myself from hanging out in places they show up, desperately looking for them in every face. Staring at the list of people that are online until I see their names light up.
It's gotten really bad.
I need to let them go.
And cling to either things
Or to someone who is there all the time
The difficulty with clinging to God, is that I don't believe He's there for me.
Maybe this is why I desperately attach to whomever crosses my path.
I guess I'll have to work on this as well.
Isn't it easier to attach to God instead of things, than to God instead of people?

Flurry

So it goes.I was sexually abused as a kid by an older girl. Sorry if the name mislead you, but I'm a girl.
...
I don't know who Jacob is, but he is the one I relate to the most. I found him, and he kept telling me how he was betrayed as a child, by someone he loved. Betrayed, over and over again by someone he trusted.
He didn't remember, until he was older, and that person came back.
I didn't remember until I was older.
Until after Jake told me what happened to him.
Mine is different.
She didn't come back.
She wasn't really even my friend either. She was the daughter of one of my mom's friends. We; my mother, father, brother, sister and me; we went to that woman's house often. My parents would go talk to her and her husband, about ground-up things I guess. My brother would go with their son, and they'd play video games. I would too, when she wasn't around, but they were boys, and I wasn't, so I'd usually end up being with her. She'd tell me to go with her. My sister, I don't remember what she did, though I guess she just stayed with my parents.
...
I don't know all that has happened to me. In fact, I can only remember about 3 instances with her. They're the ones that have always sort of been there, but I kept ignoring them. I still try to push them away, but I can't ignore them anymore.
I can feel a lot of things that aren't contained in those 3 pieces of memory. So many things, that it doesn't make sense that she was the only one. Why can my body feel this?
I'm afraid, that all that Jake is telling me, has happened to me. Where would he have gotten everything from, if not from me? Didn't I make him? He's only a character I drew one day, years ago.
There are some things, I can safely assume have never happened to me. Some of them are just things I've written that come from nowhere. For reference, I'll label them 'just for kicks'.

Terrifying

So

Speaking of scary

It seems

That a while back

I started getting memories

Of things

That happened

A long time ago

I'm afraid

I'm so afraid

Of remembering

What will happen?

Who will help me?

Who can help me?

Can I tell you?

What will you do?

What will you say?

What will you think?

I'm so scared

Of myself

How could this have happened?

How?

Why?

Why did this happen to me?

I don't understand

So I stopped them

They have ceased

The memories

But I can feel them

Screaming

Tearing apart

With different voices

All of me asunder

They beg to be let out

Shall I let them?

Now that I know?

I let them

Out

Before I knew

What they were

They were scary

And beautiful

I knew them

Far away I knew them

And felt them

My children

My babies

And I saved them

And kept them secret

From everyone

Now they've grown

And are begging

Yelling

Screaming

To be let out

I can't sleep

Because they tell me

They speak to me

And they let me feel them

They let me feel what I've forgotten

I don't

Want

To feel

If that is what I'll feel

I'd rather not

Please

Stop it

Stop

I can't

I'm sorry

Stay inside

Breathe in

Breathe out

Short

Sharp

Breaths

Inhale

Exhale

Quick

Strong

Fast

I tremble

Who can hold me down?

Who will do it?

I have lost

And they are coming

This is what this is for

For them

They will speak

And I will hear them

For better or for worse

Though it may cause me pain

Though I will be torn

I will listen

Will you listen with me?

I'm so afraid...

Next

This,

The next one

Might reveal me.

Have you found me?

Tell me so.

I'd rather know

That I've been found

Please let me know

Please

All of this

All of this is insane

Slowly

I drive myself into a corner

My corner

It's safe in here

Because no one will see me

No one will know

I'm sorry if I offend you

I offend myself though

So it's okay

Please don't write to tell me this is dumb

I know it is

I know I am

But this is how I am getting out

Little

By little

By little

Drip

Drop

Breathe in

Breathe out

I write

And draw

But mostly write

Things that no one sees

Now you shall see them

I shiver in my corner

Are they good?

Not

But I can breathe

After

Once they're out

So I let them out

Here

Mess

Messing around

One restless night

This was thought to be good

Is it?

We shall see

As time passes

And it grows on me

And it grows

What a mess...

So it goes