Anger

To begin healing from SA (sexual abuse), you need to express your anger I don't know how to do this. Every time I try to feel any anger I just come up blank. Ain't got none. I just can't find it.
Oddly, I get pissed off about anything, especially meaningless things. I scream and I stomp my foot.
"I told you not to put cilantro in the soup!"
"Dammit, I already picked up my room!"
"I'm washing the dishes now! Go ask the internet!"
Yeah. Pretty dumb, but so it goes. They only last an instant, a brief flare of anger is all I can manage. Mostly though, I think it might be because my family does not approve of anger. They open their eyes very wide, and in silence glare at me, until I have to lower my eyes and say I'm sorry. I can't because it's not allowed, and it is not safe for me to be angry at home. I can be angry at myself, that anger is always there somewhere, ready to come out. And no one notices when I'm angry at myself, because it's easy to punish me without anyone questioning it. They never question it. That is safe. Ha ha, unless they read this. But how will they know it's me? This isn't even in our language. Sorry mom, but I know you don't surf blogs.
I have a ton of anger, all over the place, I can see it know, just with what I've written. But there is no way or place for me to let it out. And against myself is only making the whole of it bigger.
How can I feel anger towards whoever abused me, if I can't feel safe being angry at anyone other than me?

Hiding still

There is a new course at school from the campus therapists, for how to help people that ask for your help. I'd actually love to enter, but I'm terrified of the campus therapists. I don't like those ladies, and I'm afraid they'll find me out. I'm pretty scared they'll see my lies upon lies and call me out on them.

I was going to a youth group at church, but I was only able to get to 2 meetings. I put up as an excuse that I had choir practice. Which I did, the 1st time I didn't go. But the next time, I remembered how I was about ready to burst into tears when the speaker talked about how we must be able to love ourselves since God loves us enough to have given us His only Son. I don't feel worthy of that love, and it hurts just to think about it. It hurts terribly and in no way that I can hold inside. If I'd kept going to that youth group, I think I would have been found out. Which is not really such a terrible thing, except for the fact that I invited my brother, my older sibling, to come with me, and he did, and he keeps going even though I'm not going. The past few times, he's just invited me with a tired face, 'I know you're not coming with me, but I'm inviting you anyway.' I really want to go. But I'm so scared.

I keep telling myself that I want to know, whatever it is that happened to me that I can't remember, I want to know, but when something starts scratching at that shell, I get terrified and I must hide.

I'm afraid of entering that course. I'm afraid I'll be found out. I'm afraid of having to drop out halfway through because I can't listen to the speaker without bursting into tears. I'm afraid of having this friend see me crying for no reason. She'll know there's a reason, and I don't want her to know. I don't want her to carry me. I'm afraid of leaning on anybody. What if they hand me back the weight, saying it's too much? What if they decide I'm not worth the effort? What If I'm not worth the effort?
I'm afraid that someone, that isn't me, will tell me these words. I'll have been right, and then there will be no means for me to stand. I will fall, and I won't get back up.

The last year

Sleep would be nice
Last year I changed school's. I started studying at a different, much more expensive college. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm worth the price.
My father is working hard to put me through this school, and I'm grateful. But I can't help thinking that they would all, all of my family, would be better off without me. I'm nothing more than a burden. I have nothing to show for my 21 years. I'm studying with kids 2 years younger than me. I don't have a chance. I keep thinking that I should just drop out and work. I can paint, or draw, or whatever on the side. I don't need to strain my family like this.
My mother, she keeps telling me how hard my father is working to earn enough money. She tells me when I'm alone with her. She tells me all the damn time. I can't take it. I can't stand it. I'm the most expensive thing in this family, and I'm not even worth it. I'm not worth all the effort everyone is putting into me.
If I died
If I went away
My family could be at ease.
My father could rest. Would he?

Last year, I had a hard time getting to my classes, because I couldn't believe I was/am in this school, and I felt like hurting myself to deserve it. I left my classes as soon as they were over, to have time to find a quiet place and make my head still, to make all the noise be still. I'd take deep breaths and hit my legs, until I could stand without tearing up.
I'd make my way back to my next class, the pain tightly bound.
Slowly, I came to realize where the pain came from.
I wished I'd never found out.
I wondered if I could go talk to the counselors, although I wasn't keen on some lady rubbing my arm as I told her my problems.
I read their policy; they'd offer assistance, until/unless it required help from an outside therapists, at which point they'd contact my parents and inform them.
I can't, absolutely can't let my parents know what's happened to me. I absolutely cannot stand to imagine how they'd look at me after that. I can't stand to imagine them holding me over this. I absolutely can't be held over this.
I pushed it to the back of my mind, and told the pain 'Later. Just wait.', every time it decided to come outside. It still hurts, but it won't tell me why. Not that I've had the guts to ask it.

I have a hard time walking from class to class, because I keep getting the terrible urge to lean over the rail. All of my classes were on the 4th floor last semester, can you imagine? I have to keep my eyes forward, and walk as close to the opposite wall as I can. I have to hold on to my classmates if I can't walk by the wall. I just tell them I'm afraid of heights, and they laugh off how tightly I'm grasping their arms.
I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid I'll jump from heights.

But don't worry.
I've carried this pain for years and years. It's just that now I know why I want to end me.
I won't
Kill myself
I'm just going to keep on doing my 'best'. I'll keep studying to put myself above my classmates. I have to work harder than everyone, to show that I'm worth something.

I have to be worth some damn thing. I have to be good at something else
Being used can't be the only thing I'm good at, right?
It can't be.
I'll die if it is
Because no one is using me
Since no one is using me
I'm worthless now, aren't I?
No one seems to want to use me anymore.
I think I've somehow managed to make bad people stay away from me.
Somehow.

Pieces

How can a girl molest another girl?
I thought it was just games
I thought how awesome it was that an older girl wanted to hang out with me.
I felt wrong afterward
I convinced myself that I needed to wash my hands
More
I needed to wash them
The filth away

All of these pieces
I don't know what to do with them
It's hard to understand
How this could be even possible
How could this have even happened?
In the home of one of my mother's friends
Her friend's daughter
To me
On me
I don't...

Nobody noticed
Nobody cared

In the pool
She tipped over a raft
And she told me to swim under
To the air bubble
The water was cold
But her lips were hot
Her lips were always hot

Damn it all
I can feel them now
And there's nothing I can do to make that sensation stop
I can hear
Something
I'd rather not hear
The house is silent
There is nothing to distract me
From all of these feelings
All of these emotions
That make me unwhole
That fill me with a sick warmth
Make them stop
Won't somebody please
Make them go away

Unsafe

In my head

In my mind

I am unsafe

There is no where I can be

Where I am safe

From myself  

From others

From harm that was done to me

I can't remember it

I can't see it

I can feel it

Pushing me

And guiding me

Worthless

To hurt myself

To cause me damage

To put myself in harms way

And I do

Worthless

I hurt myself

Eagerly

Greedily

I revel in that pain

I try to push it away

But it comes back

Stronger

More hurtful

It cuts me

And tears me in two

I can see it

I can feel it

Standing

An ax swung heavily into my skull

Lying

A golf club bashing my head

Sitting

A knife cutting my skin open

But the ax prevails

Always the ax

If I think I've been bad

The ax cuts it away

If I think I can be good

It reminds me I can't

If I'm silently thinking

The ax cuts into my thoughts

It chops away at me

Until I can no longer think

I don't know what I'm doing

And I hurt myself

Then I wake up

And I realize what I've done to myself

If only I could cry

But I can't

And the ax returns to punish me

Because I've been bad

So bad

I'm bad

Don't be worried

If you catch me flinching

It is the ax doing it's job

Keeping me in line

From harmful thoughts

And from hopeful thoughts

Jacob - Not him

My heart, beating hard in my chest. Could he hear it? He must feel it. He didn't care. I didn't dare utter a sound. Like he wanted me to, I was silent. I grimaced as he unclothed my shoulder and kissed it. Before biting into it. I inhaled sharply

"Shh..." I bit my lip to keep a cry in.

Why was this happening to me? His lips brushed the length, from my shoulder, across my collarbone, to the center of my neck. He kissed the hollow, and breathed me in, making his way up. I swallowed, and his lips pressed against me, harder, for an instant. I could feel the tip of his nose, the only part of him that was cold.

I moved my face out of his way. He couldn't have my lips. I didn't want him to kiss me; he wasn't doing anything that I could love him for. And yet, if he was doing this, wasn't it for my own good? He loved me. He'd told me so. He'd shown me. Everyday, he didn't stop until I was safe. And, I was safe.

But not here.

Not alone with him. He wasn't himself. The Other breathed into my ear. My eyes, I held them more tightly shut; I didn't dare look into his eyes. I didn't dare.

Make it stop...

That's not gonna happen.

My clothes came off. Right along with his.

Why...

I fell asleep.

Slept

I don't remember

I can't remember

He won't let me.

He wen't through it for me.

But he won't let me see, what I can't take.

Little

Pieces

Snippets

Nightmares

He gives me

I don't want them

So he keeps them

Until I can see them

Until I can remember

Until I'm ready to remember

Why I can feel his nose and lips running over my skin

Why I know what his hot breath on my face feels like

Why I can feel this

Why can I feel this?

Terrifying

So

Speaking of scary

It seems

That a while back

I started getting memories

Of things

That happened

A long time ago

I'm afraid

I'm so afraid

Of remembering

What will happen?

Who will help me?

Who can help me?

Can I tell you?

What will you do?

What will you say?

What will you think?

I'm so scared

Of myself

How could this have happened?

How?

Why?

Why did this happen to me?

I don't understand

So I stopped them

They have ceased

The memories

But I can feel them

Screaming

Tearing apart

With different voices

All of me asunder

They beg to be let out

Shall I let them?

Now that I know?

I let them

Out

Before I knew

What they were

They were scary

And beautiful

I knew them

Far away I knew them

And felt them

My children

My babies

And I saved them

And kept them secret

From everyone

Now they've grown

And are begging

Yelling

Screaming

To be let out

I can't sleep

Because they tell me

They speak to me

And they let me feel them

They let me feel what I've forgotten

I don't

Want

To feel

If that is what I'll feel

I'd rather not

Please

Stop it

Stop

I can't

I'm sorry

Stay inside

Breathe in

Breathe out

Short

Sharp

Breaths

Inhale

Exhale

Quick

Strong

Fast

I tremble

Who can hold me down?

Who will do it?

I have lost

And they are coming

This is what this is for

For them

They will speak

And I will hear them

For better or for worse

Though it may cause me pain

Though I will be torn

I will listen

Will you listen with me?

I'm so afraid...

Open Closed

I'm never actually open

You think I reveal too much about myself

Good

Brilliant

That's my cover.

I tell you

Meaningless

Worthless

Shit about myself

So much shit

You think you know all about me

But, The Lord be praised

You know nothing about me

All that?

It's all my cover

My masks are broken

And I've nothing left to hide myself with

So I have to distract you

So that you never see my face

Never

Ever

See what was behind

You think you know

You think I've shown you

Me inside and out

You know nothing

You haven't even scratched the surface

And you never will

There is nothing of me you have seen

Only the lies I use for armor

I'm glad

That you think you know me

Because you won't dig

Through all this trash

To find out what's beneath

My cover

Is flawless

I'm enough to keep you near

I'm enough to keep you far

You won't believe there's anything to see

You won't see me

I won't let you

The closer you get

The more intricate the lies

The more difficult to get through

Never

Ever

Ever

Ever

You won't ever see me.

Goodbye

Behind this pile of shit I hide

See you when I see you

Meanwhile

I'll be busy making more lies

For you to swallow

Is it tasty?

I bet it is

I wish it was real

So how...

How...

How?

Yeah...

How do I do this?

I know

You're going to tell me to just let it out

To scream into a pillow

Let me tell you

The pillow will not do anything to muffle my screaming

No it won't

Everyone in this house will hear me

And someone will ask me if I was screaming

And then I'll feel shamed

Shame

Shame shame shame shame

Shame

It's the last thing I want to feel

No way do I want to feel it

Even remotely

I am in shame all the damn time

I can ignore it

But not if someone brings it up

Then I'll wallow in it

So how

How?

Tell me please

How can I get relief?

I can't even cry

I'm not allowed

By me

I don't let myself cry

In my head

Sure

But then my head gets weirdly warm

I'd rather not

No thanks

If I bawl

Someone will hear me

Damn it

I don't WANT anyone to hear me

Because they'll ask me what's wrong

And I won't have an answer

I don't want anyone to touch me

Don't fucking touch me

If I'm crying and you touch me

I can't take that

It's too much

I'll just stop crying

Yeah thanks, your comforting skills are superb

You made me stop right away

Aren't you glad?

It's happened before

It was the worse way I've ever been made to feel by anyone before

But it was my own damn fault

So I haven't cried since

Not in anyway that you could hear

Not in anyway that would comfort me

Not in any way that would bring me relief

This

This writing

This is me crying

Can you hear me sobbing?

No you can't

But you can read all about it

And imagine me doing it.