Break Me

I found a scary e-mail in the back of my inbox today. After reading it, I can only vaguely remember writing it. I haven't check this address in a while, so I could've just forgotten about it. I meant to put it up here when I sent it. The subject was Break me like this posts title.
*Strong language, & triggering thoughts ahead* Please do not read if you aren't safe.

Fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
Is that it?
The reason I want to cut my hair short
Having long hair pretty much has defined me as a woman
Long hair is feminizing
Femininity is the same as weakness
Females are weak
Long hair makes me weak
I feel the urgent need to be penetrated
I don't want to feel this
The urge has been growing
Along with the thought of lopping off all of my hair

Is this me trying to protect myself?
From this urge?
By making myself more boyish
Less feminine
Less weak
Will the urge stop?

Not to say I'm in any danger if it doesn't stop
I don't leave the house
My friends are out of town still
And going outside where people can see me shakes me up
I set foot outside and a soft smile spreads over my lips
It's a shield
They're gaze glances off

So no
I'm not in any danger of letting my urges beat me
Because there is no one that will make it happen for me
I'm "safe"
So to speak
But not from me
And not from this urge

I'm not looking for pleasure
I'm looking to be looked down on
I want to be shamed
This is what I'm looking for
Shame
I need to be made filthy
I don't know why
I hate being female
I'm so weak
And my emotions rule me
I liked it better when I didn't know why I was sad
When I was just numb
Now everything hurts
and everything sets me off
I want to be penetrated
It hurts to say it
But those words keep running through my head
Shut up already
No one wants you
No one is going to hurt you like this
You're "safe"
So be still
Be still
Please be still

Just in case, I did cut my hair, and the urge did stop. I don't want to be humiliated anymore. In fact, I feel very safe.

Be Still

Be still

Things are gonna change now.

For the better.

I promise...

Into my ear

His promise sounded hollow

His promise petrified me

Change?

Of course

His breath rolled over my face, and I closed my wet eyes

I felt him move off of me,

And lay on the mattress next to me

Change?

I lay still and hurt under the sheets

Shivering

After

Alone

I'm here

He whispered

I'm here beside you

You're trembling

Is uncalled for

I'm here.

No

You're there

I'm here

I'm alone now...

You're wrong

I am here

You won't be alone again

For better or for worse, remember?

I'm here...

You're here

Here

By your side

I'm here

So be still

Be still...

The last year

Sleep would be nice
Last year I changed school's. I started studying at a different, much more expensive college. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm worth the price.
My father is working hard to put me through this school, and I'm grateful. But I can't help thinking that they would all, all of my family, would be better off without me. I'm nothing more than a burden. I have nothing to show for my 21 years. I'm studying with kids 2 years younger than me. I don't have a chance. I keep thinking that I should just drop out and work. I can paint, or draw, or whatever on the side. I don't need to strain my family like this.
My mother, she keeps telling me how hard my father is working to earn enough money. She tells me when I'm alone with her. She tells me all the damn time. I can't take it. I can't stand it. I'm the most expensive thing in this family, and I'm not even worth it. I'm not worth all the effort everyone is putting into me.
If I died
If I went away
My family could be at ease.
My father could rest. Would he?

Last year, I had a hard time getting to my classes, because I couldn't believe I was/am in this school, and I felt like hurting myself to deserve it. I left my classes as soon as they were over, to have time to find a quiet place and make my head still, to make all the noise be still. I'd take deep breaths and hit my legs, until I could stand without tearing up.
I'd make my way back to my next class, the pain tightly bound.
Slowly, I came to realize where the pain came from.
I wished I'd never found out.
I wondered if I could go talk to the counselors, although I wasn't keen on some lady rubbing my arm as I told her my problems.
I read their policy; they'd offer assistance, until/unless it required help from an outside therapists, at which point they'd contact my parents and inform them.
I can't, absolutely can't let my parents know what's happened to me. I absolutely cannot stand to imagine how they'd look at me after that. I can't stand to imagine them holding me over this. I absolutely can't be held over this.
I pushed it to the back of my mind, and told the pain 'Later. Just wait.', every time it decided to come outside. It still hurts, but it won't tell me why. Not that I've had the guts to ask it.

I have a hard time walking from class to class, because I keep getting the terrible urge to lean over the rail. All of my classes were on the 4th floor last semester, can you imagine? I have to keep my eyes forward, and walk as close to the opposite wall as I can. I have to hold on to my classmates if I can't walk by the wall. I just tell them I'm afraid of heights, and they laugh off how tightly I'm grasping their arms.
I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid I'll jump from heights.

But don't worry.
I've carried this pain for years and years. It's just that now I know why I want to end me.
I won't
Kill myself
I'm just going to keep on doing my 'best'. I'll keep studying to put myself above my classmates. I have to work harder than everyone, to show that I'm worth something.

I have to be worth some damn thing. I have to be good at something else
Being used can't be the only thing I'm good at, right?
It can't be.
I'll die if it is
Because no one is using me
Since no one is using me
I'm worthless now, aren't I?
No one seems to want to use me anymore.
I think I've somehow managed to make bad people stay away from me.
Somehow.

Trust

Who do you trust?
Me?
I don't trust anyone.
That is to say
I don't trust myself to tell me the truth
I don't trust people I know to be honest with me
I don't trust strangers with me
And i can't trust friends to stay by me
I'm afraid of trusting anyone
Because I don't know why anyone would help me
Or be friendly
They must want something
THey need something from me
And I'm not sure I want to give them anything
So I don't trust people
But the sad part
No
The stupid part
I can feel her in my throat
Is that I DO trust everyone
Too damn much
I always give everyone a shot
I let them prove me wrong
THe only one that's wrong is me
Alway
Over and over
People f&#% me over
They won't help me
They won't hear me
And they take things from me
I'm alway left bare and shivering
From every encounter
From every stranger I've ever said to know
Even from me
I think I'm the worst
I'm the one that royally screws me over the worst
Trust me
This time,
They'll do good by you
Trust me.
Why do I trust me?
I'm always wrong
I let me get hurt
I hurt myself
It seems on purpose

And you?
Why do I trust you with this?
You don't know me
I can't know you
You can't hurt me
I can trust in that

Asunder

I dreamt I locked a door to do something privately (maybe bathroom), and that someone entered, and then the door was unlocked.
I get the feeling it was my brother
I don't know
I'm sure it was a man
I seem to be horrendously suspicious of all the males in my family
...
Makes me sick inside
I was closed
You made me open
Why did you
Force me open?

Filth

He thrust his hand over my face, knocking me down to the ground. He kept his hand there and started pressing down. His hands... all of him was much larger than me. He was suffocating me.
I could hardly breathe, and the despair that enveloped me when I felt the grime on his palm didn't help. He had his filthy hands on me
On my face
He was touching me with filth
Filling me with filth
I was filthy
I was made filthy
I would never be clean again

Voices

When I talk to myself
In my mind
There is always so much noise
So much damn noise
It almost never stops
It only stops
If I'm scared
For whatever reason
All the noise stops
Stops dead
And it's so distracting when it does that
That I can't pay attention to whatever noise or movement scared me
But I still always know what it was.

It's distracting too with all the noise
I can hardly hear myself
I mean
I can hardly hear the thoughts I want to hear
There is constant singing
And a metallic sounding voice
And a dark sound to the right
And so much more
But I'm used to it
I can do things with the noise
Or I can listen to music
And the noise stops
But I can think
Somewhat
There's only so much thinking you can do over music with lyrics
Because lyrics make them silent
Sometimes I have to stop the music
To sift through my thoughts
Or to do math
And I can hear at the edge of my mind
The noise rising
But it lies still
It waits
For a while

Sleep would be nice

I don't want to fall asleep; Isn't that terrible?
Lately all I've been having are bad dreams,
I wouldn't call them nightmares
Not at all
I can't even remember them
I remember vague traces when I wake up
But they're bad things
Like somebody stole something from me
I mean something tangible
Like money or videogames
Just stupid things like that
But they keep me up
I can't fall asleep
I don't want to fall asleep
I'd rather stay up reading over and over all the books I've already read
Or surf youtube forever
Watch a movie
Watch cartoons
Anything
I don't care
But I can't go to sleep
I don't know what it is
But they're the only kinds of dreams I have
I wake up tense
My neck hurts
My head and my back are starting to hurt too
I'm not sleeping any different
The only different thing I'm doing is this
This blog I mean
That's the only thing I'm doing different
Could this be the cause?
I wish it was
But the strange dreams started before

Do you know that I'm getting closer?
Are you trying to keep me out?
I have been outside for years
The last year was not a good one
I've been in so much pain
And you know why
So tell me
Let me in
You're trying to protect me,
But how much more broken can I get?

Unsafe

In my head

In my mind

I am unsafe

There is no where I can be

Where I am safe

From myself  

From others

From harm that was done to me

I can't remember it

I can't see it

I can feel it

Pushing me

And guiding me

Worthless

To hurt myself

To cause me damage

To put myself in harms way

And I do

Worthless

I hurt myself

Eagerly

Greedily

I revel in that pain

I try to push it away

But it comes back

Stronger

More hurtful

It cuts me

And tears me in two

I can see it

I can feel it

Standing

An ax swung heavily into my skull

Lying

A golf club bashing my head

Sitting

A knife cutting my skin open

But the ax prevails

Always the ax

If I think I've been bad

The ax cuts it away

If I think I can be good

It reminds me I can't

If I'm silently thinking

The ax cuts into my thoughts

It chops away at me

Until I can no longer think

I don't know what I'm doing

And I hurt myself

Then I wake up

And I realize what I've done to myself

If only I could cry

But I can't

And the ax returns to punish me

Because I've been bad

So bad

I'm bad

Don't be worried

If you catch me flinching

It is the ax doing it's job

Keeping me in line

From harmful thoughts

And from hopeful thoughts

Terrifying

So

Speaking of scary

It seems

That a while back

I started getting memories

Of things

That happened

A long time ago

I'm afraid

I'm so afraid

Of remembering

What will happen?

Who will help me?

Who can help me?

Can I tell you?

What will you do?

What will you say?

What will you think?

I'm so scared

Of myself

How could this have happened?

How?

Why?

Why did this happen to me?

I don't understand

So I stopped them

They have ceased

The memories

But I can feel them

Screaming

Tearing apart

With different voices

All of me asunder

They beg to be let out

Shall I let them?

Now that I know?

I let them

Out

Before I knew

What they were

They were scary

And beautiful

I knew them

Far away I knew them

And felt them

My children

My babies

And I saved them

And kept them secret

From everyone

Now they've grown

And are begging

Yelling

Screaming

To be let out

I can't sleep

Because they tell me

They speak to me

And they let me feel them

They let me feel what I've forgotten

I don't

Want

To feel

If that is what I'll feel

I'd rather not

Please

Stop it

Stop

I can't

I'm sorry

Stay inside

Breathe in

Breathe out

Short

Sharp

Breaths

Inhale

Exhale

Quick

Strong

Fast

I tremble

Who can hold me down?

Who will do it?

I have lost

And they are coming

This is what this is for

For them

They will speak

And I will hear them

For better or for worse

Though it may cause me pain

Though I will be torn

I will listen

Will you listen with me?

I'm so afraid...