The last year

Sleep would be nice
Last year I changed school's. I started studying at a different, much more expensive college. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm worth the price.
My father is working hard to put me through this school, and I'm grateful. But I can't help thinking that they would all, all of my family, would be better off without me. I'm nothing more than a burden. I have nothing to show for my 21 years. I'm studying with kids 2 years younger than me. I don't have a chance. I keep thinking that I should just drop out and work. I can paint, or draw, or whatever on the side. I don't need to strain my family like this.
My mother, she keeps telling me how hard my father is working to earn enough money. She tells me when I'm alone with her. She tells me all the damn time. I can't take it. I can't stand it. I'm the most expensive thing in this family, and I'm not even worth it. I'm not worth all the effort everyone is putting into me.
If I died
If I went away
My family could be at ease.
My father could rest. Would he?

Last year, I had a hard time getting to my classes, because I couldn't believe I was/am in this school, and I felt like hurting myself to deserve it. I left my classes as soon as they were over, to have time to find a quiet place and make my head still, to make all the noise be still. I'd take deep breaths and hit my legs, until I could stand without tearing up.
I'd make my way back to my next class, the pain tightly bound.
Slowly, I came to realize where the pain came from.
I wished I'd never found out.
I wondered if I could go talk to the counselors, although I wasn't keen on some lady rubbing my arm as I told her my problems.
I read their policy; they'd offer assistance, until/unless it required help from an outside therapists, at which point they'd contact my parents and inform them.
I can't, absolutely can't let my parents know what's happened to me. I absolutely cannot stand to imagine how they'd look at me after that. I can't stand to imagine them holding me over this. I absolutely can't be held over this.
I pushed it to the back of my mind, and told the pain 'Later. Just wait.', every time it decided to come outside. It still hurts, but it won't tell me why. Not that I've had the guts to ask it.

I have a hard time walking from class to class, because I keep getting the terrible urge to lean over the rail. All of my classes were on the 4th floor last semester, can you imagine? I have to keep my eyes forward, and walk as close to the opposite wall as I can. I have to hold on to my classmates if I can't walk by the wall. I just tell them I'm afraid of heights, and they laugh off how tightly I'm grasping their arms.
I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid I'll jump from heights.

But don't worry.
I've carried this pain for years and years. It's just that now I know why I want to end me.
I won't
Kill myself
I'm just going to keep on doing my 'best'. I'll keep studying to put myself above my classmates. I have to work harder than everyone, to show that I'm worth something.

I have to be worth some damn thing. I have to be good at something else
Being used can't be the only thing I'm good at, right?
It can't be.
I'll die if it is
Because no one is using me
Since no one is using me
I'm worthless now, aren't I?
No one seems to want to use me anymore.
I think I've somehow managed to make bad people stay away from me.
Somehow.

Lies

Lies, lies

Pour from my mouth like

Sweet honey

Drips from the hive and

You drink them up like

Water

Sickness

Inside and outside

All of me

Venom in your mouth

Still, you're by me

I feel your love

All I say is so untrue

Still your sweet ears

Hear all of my words and

All I say is so untrue

I don't know why

You still stick by me

Sweetness hear the poison

It seeps into your mind

Clouding your sweet smile

Honey

Turn around please

Before the poison

From my mouth kills

You

No

I'll stick by you

Even if it

Kills

Me

So how...

How...

How?

Yeah...

How do I do this?

I know

You're going to tell me to just let it out

To scream into a pillow

Let me tell you

The pillow will not do anything to muffle my screaming

No it won't

Everyone in this house will hear me

And someone will ask me if I was screaming

And then I'll feel shamed

Shame

Shame shame shame shame

Shame

It's the last thing I want to feel

No way do I want to feel it

Even remotely

I am in shame all the damn time

I can ignore it

But not if someone brings it up

Then I'll wallow in it

So how

How?

Tell me please

How can I get relief?

I can't even cry

I'm not allowed

By me

I don't let myself cry

In my head

Sure

But then my head gets weirdly warm

I'd rather not

No thanks

If I bawl

Someone will hear me

Damn it

I don't WANT anyone to hear me

Because they'll ask me what's wrong

And I won't have an answer

I don't want anyone to touch me

Don't fucking touch me

If I'm crying and you touch me

I can't take that

It's too much

I'll just stop crying

Yeah thanks, your comforting skills are superb

You made me stop right away

Aren't you glad?

It's happened before

It was the worse way I've ever been made to feel by anyone before

But it was my own damn fault

So I haven't cried since

Not in anyway that you could hear

Not in anyway that would comfort me

Not in any way that would bring me relief

This

This writing

This is me crying

Can you hear me sobbing?

No you can't

But you can read all about it

And imagine me doing it.