Break Me

I found a scary e-mail in the back of my inbox today. After reading it, I can only vaguely remember writing it. I haven't check this address in a while, so I could've just forgotten about it. I meant to put it up here when I sent it. The subject was Break me like this posts title.
*Strong language, & triggering thoughts ahead* Please do not read if you aren't safe.

Fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
fuck you
Is that it?
The reason I want to cut my hair short
Having long hair pretty much has defined me as a woman
Long hair is feminizing
Femininity is the same as weakness
Females are weak
Long hair makes me weak
I feel the urgent need to be penetrated
I don't want to feel this
The urge has been growing
Along with the thought of lopping off all of my hair

Is this me trying to protect myself?
From this urge?
By making myself more boyish
Less feminine
Less weak
Will the urge stop?

Not to say I'm in any danger if it doesn't stop
I don't leave the house
My friends are out of town still
And going outside where people can see me shakes me up
I set foot outside and a soft smile spreads over my lips
It's a shield
They're gaze glances off

So no
I'm not in any danger of letting my urges beat me
Because there is no one that will make it happen for me
I'm "safe"
So to speak
But not from me
And not from this urge

I'm not looking for pleasure
I'm looking to be looked down on
I want to be shamed
This is what I'm looking for
Shame
I need to be made filthy
I don't know why
I hate being female
I'm so weak
And my emotions rule me
I liked it better when I didn't know why I was sad
When I was just numb
Now everything hurts
and everything sets me off
I want to be penetrated
It hurts to say it
But those words keep running through my head
Shut up already
No one wants you
No one is going to hurt you like this
You're "safe"
So be still
Be still
Please be still

Just in case, I did cut my hair, and the urge did stop. I don't want to be humiliated anymore. In fact, I feel very safe.

Trust

Who do you trust?
Me?
I don't trust anyone.
That is to say
I don't trust myself to tell me the truth
I don't trust people I know to be honest with me
I don't trust strangers with me
And i can't trust friends to stay by me
I'm afraid of trusting anyone
Because I don't know why anyone would help me
Or be friendly
They must want something
THey need something from me
And I'm not sure I want to give them anything
So I don't trust people
But the sad part
No
The stupid part
I can feel her in my throat
Is that I DO trust everyone
Too damn much
I always give everyone a shot
I let them prove me wrong
THe only one that's wrong is me
Alway
Over and over
People f&#% me over
They won't help me
They won't hear me
And they take things from me
I'm alway left bare and shivering
From every encounter
From every stranger I've ever said to know
Even from me
I think I'm the worst
I'm the one that royally screws me over the worst
Trust me
This time,
They'll do good by you
Trust me.
Why do I trust me?
I'm always wrong
I let me get hurt
I hurt myself
It seems on purpose

And you?
Why do I trust you with this?
You don't know me
I can't know you
You can't hurt me
I can trust in that

Unsafe

In my head

In my mind

I am unsafe

There is no where I can be

Where I am safe

From myself  

From others

From harm that was done to me

I can't remember it

I can't see it

I can feel it

Pushing me

And guiding me

Worthless

To hurt myself

To cause me damage

To put myself in harms way

And I do

Worthless

I hurt myself

Eagerly

Greedily

I revel in that pain

I try to push it away

But it comes back

Stronger

More hurtful

It cuts me

And tears me in two

I can see it

I can feel it

Standing

An ax swung heavily into my skull

Lying

A golf club bashing my head

Sitting

A knife cutting my skin open

But the ax prevails

Always the ax

If I think I've been bad

The ax cuts it away

If I think I can be good

It reminds me I can't

If I'm silently thinking

The ax cuts into my thoughts

It chops away at me

Until I can no longer think

I don't know what I'm doing

And I hurt myself

Then I wake up

And I realize what I've done to myself

If only I could cry

But I can't

And the ax returns to punish me

Because I've been bad

So bad

I'm bad

Don't be worried

If you catch me flinching

It is the ax doing it's job

Keeping me in line

From harmful thoughts

And from hopeful thoughts

Lies

Lies, lies

Pour from my mouth like

Sweet honey

Drips from the hive and

You drink them up like

Water

Sickness

Inside and outside

All of me

Venom in your mouth

Still, you're by me

I feel your love

All I say is so untrue

Still your sweet ears

Hear all of my words and

All I say is so untrue

I don't know why

You still stick by me

Sweetness hear the poison

It seeps into your mind

Clouding your sweet smile

Honey

Turn around please

Before the poison

From my mouth kills

You

No

I'll stick by you

Even if it

Kills

Me

So how...

How...

How?

Yeah...

How do I do this?

I know

You're going to tell me to just let it out

To scream into a pillow

Let me tell you

The pillow will not do anything to muffle my screaming

No it won't

Everyone in this house will hear me

And someone will ask me if I was screaming

And then I'll feel shamed

Shame

Shame shame shame shame

Shame

It's the last thing I want to feel

No way do I want to feel it

Even remotely

I am in shame all the damn time

I can ignore it

But not if someone brings it up

Then I'll wallow in it

So how

How?

Tell me please

How can I get relief?

I can't even cry

I'm not allowed

By me

I don't let myself cry

In my head

Sure

But then my head gets weirdly warm

I'd rather not

No thanks

If I bawl

Someone will hear me

Damn it

I don't WANT anyone to hear me

Because they'll ask me what's wrong

And I won't have an answer

I don't want anyone to touch me

Don't fucking touch me

If I'm crying and you touch me

I can't take that

It's too much

I'll just stop crying

Yeah thanks, your comforting skills are superb

You made me stop right away

Aren't you glad?

It's happened before

It was the worse way I've ever been made to feel by anyone before

But it was my own damn fault

So I haven't cried since

Not in anyway that you could hear

Not in anyway that would comfort me

Not in any way that would bring me relief

This

This writing

This is me crying

Can you hear me sobbing?

No you can't

But you can read all about it

And imagine me doing it.

Shut up!

I hate it when you're like this.
All day not talking to me...
I hate you.
I'd scream at you, If I thought you'd listen
But you won't
How I hate you
Shut Up!
But you're not saying anything at all.
Shut Up!
Where is the noise coming from?
Make it stop! It's so loud!
Shut up!
Stop it!
Stop!
I freaking hate you.
I hate You!
I HATE you!
So hurry up and shut up already!
Who am I shouting at?
There's no one here.
So shut up then.