Anger

To begin healing from SA (sexual abuse), you need to express your anger I don't know how to do this. Every time I try to feel any anger I just come up blank. Ain't got none. I just can't find it.
Oddly, I get pissed off about anything, especially meaningless things. I scream and I stomp my foot.
"I told you not to put cilantro in the soup!"
"Dammit, I already picked up my room!"
"I'm washing the dishes now! Go ask the internet!"
Yeah. Pretty dumb, but so it goes. They only last an instant, a brief flare of anger is all I can manage. Mostly though, I think it might be because my family does not approve of anger. They open their eyes very wide, and in silence glare at me, until I have to lower my eyes and say I'm sorry. I can't because it's not allowed, and it is not safe for me to be angry at home. I can be angry at myself, that anger is always there somewhere, ready to come out. And no one notices when I'm angry at myself, because it's easy to punish me without anyone questioning it. They never question it. That is safe. Ha ha, unless they read this. But how will they know it's me? This isn't even in our language. Sorry mom, but I know you don't surf blogs.
I have a ton of anger, all over the place, I can see it know, just with what I've written. But there is no way or place for me to let it out. And against myself is only making the whole of it bigger.
How can I feel anger towards whoever abused me, if I can't feel safe being angry at anyone other than me?

Hiding still

There is a new course at school from the campus therapists, for how to help people that ask for your help. I'd actually love to enter, but I'm terrified of the campus therapists. I don't like those ladies, and I'm afraid they'll find me out. I'm pretty scared they'll see my lies upon lies and call me out on them.

I was going to a youth group at church, but I was only able to get to 2 meetings. I put up as an excuse that I had choir practice. Which I did, the 1st time I didn't go. But the next time, I remembered how I was about ready to burst into tears when the speaker talked about how we must be able to love ourselves since God loves us enough to have given us His only Son. I don't feel worthy of that love, and it hurts just to think about it. It hurts terribly and in no way that I can hold inside. If I'd kept going to that youth group, I think I would have been found out. Which is not really such a terrible thing, except for the fact that I invited my brother, my older sibling, to come with me, and he did, and he keeps going even though I'm not going. The past few times, he's just invited me with a tired face, 'I know you're not coming with me, but I'm inviting you anyway.' I really want to go. But I'm so scared.

I keep telling myself that I want to know, whatever it is that happened to me that I can't remember, I want to know, but when something starts scratching at that shell, I get terrified and I must hide.

I'm afraid of entering that course. I'm afraid I'll be found out. I'm afraid of having to drop out halfway through because I can't listen to the speaker without bursting into tears. I'm afraid of having this friend see me crying for no reason. She'll know there's a reason, and I don't want her to know. I don't want her to carry me. I'm afraid of leaning on anybody. What if they hand me back the weight, saying it's too much? What if they decide I'm not worth the effort? What If I'm not worth the effort?
I'm afraid that someone, that isn't me, will tell me these words. I'll have been right, and then there will be no means for me to stand. I will fall, and I won't get back up.

Trust

Who do you trust?
Me?
I don't trust anyone.
That is to say
I don't trust myself to tell me the truth
I don't trust people I know to be honest with me
I don't trust strangers with me
And i can't trust friends to stay by me
I'm afraid of trusting anyone
Because I don't know why anyone would help me
Or be friendly
They must want something
THey need something from me
And I'm not sure I want to give them anything
So I don't trust people
But the sad part
No
The stupid part
I can feel her in my throat
Is that I DO trust everyone
Too damn much
I always give everyone a shot
I let them prove me wrong
THe only one that's wrong is me
Alway
Over and over
People f&#% me over
They won't help me
They won't hear me
And they take things from me
I'm alway left bare and shivering
From every encounter
From every stranger I've ever said to know
Even from me
I think I'm the worst
I'm the one that royally screws me over the worst
Trust me
This time,
They'll do good by you
Trust me.
Why do I trust me?
I'm always wrong
I let me get hurt
I hurt myself
It seems on purpose

And you?
Why do I trust you with this?
You don't know me
I can't know you
You can't hurt me
I can trust in that

Asunder

I dreamt I locked a door to do something privately (maybe bathroom), and that someone entered, and then the door was unlocked.
I get the feeling it was my brother
I don't know
I'm sure it was a man
I seem to be horrendously suspicious of all the males in my family
...
Makes me sick inside
I was closed
You made me open
Why did you
Force me open?

Pieces

How can a girl molest another girl?
I thought it was just games
I thought how awesome it was that an older girl wanted to hang out with me.
I felt wrong afterward
I convinced myself that I needed to wash my hands
More
I needed to wash them
The filth away

All of these pieces
I don't know what to do with them
It's hard to understand
How this could be even possible
How could this have even happened?
In the home of one of my mother's friends
Her friend's daughter
To me
On me
I don't...

Nobody noticed
Nobody cared

In the pool
She tipped over a raft
And she told me to swim under
To the air bubble
The water was cold
But her lips were hot
Her lips were always hot

Damn it all
I can feel them now
And there's nothing I can do to make that sensation stop
I can hear
Something
I'd rather not hear
The house is silent
There is nothing to distract me
From all of these feelings
All of these emotions
That make me unwhole
That fill me with a sick warmth
Make them stop
Won't somebody please
Make them go away

Unsafe

In my head

In my mind

I am unsafe

There is no where I can be

Where I am safe

From myself  

From others

From harm that was done to me

I can't remember it

I can't see it

I can feel it

Pushing me

And guiding me

Worthless

To hurt myself

To cause me damage

To put myself in harms way

And I do

Worthless

I hurt myself

Eagerly

Greedily

I revel in that pain

I try to push it away

But it comes back

Stronger

More hurtful

It cuts me

And tears me in two

I can see it

I can feel it

Standing

An ax swung heavily into my skull

Lying

A golf club bashing my head

Sitting

A knife cutting my skin open

But the ax prevails

Always the ax

If I think I've been bad

The ax cuts it away

If I think I can be good

It reminds me I can't

If I'm silently thinking

The ax cuts into my thoughts

It chops away at me

Until I can no longer think

I don't know what I'm doing

And I hurt myself

Then I wake up

And I realize what I've done to myself

If only I could cry

But I can't

And the ax returns to punish me

Because I've been bad

So bad

I'm bad

Don't be worried

If you catch me flinching

It is the ax doing it's job

Keeping me in line

From harmful thoughts

And from hopeful thoughts