Terrifying

So

Speaking of scary

It seems

That a while back

I started getting memories

Of things

That happened

A long time ago

I'm afraid

I'm so afraid

Of remembering

What will happen?

Who will help me?

Who can help me?

Can I tell you?

What will you do?

What will you say?

What will you think?

I'm so scared

Of myself

How could this have happened?

How?

Why?

Why did this happen to me?

I don't understand

So I stopped them

They have ceased

The memories

But I can feel them

Screaming

Tearing apart

With different voices

All of me asunder

They beg to be let out

Shall I let them?

Now that I know?

I let them

Out

Before I knew

What they were

They were scary

And beautiful

I knew them

Far away I knew them

And felt them

My children

My babies

And I saved them

And kept them secret

From everyone

Now they've grown

And are begging

Yelling

Screaming

To be let out

I can't sleep

Because they tell me

They speak to me

And they let me feel them

They let me feel what I've forgotten

I don't

Want

To feel

If that is what I'll feel

I'd rather not

Please

Stop it

Stop

I can't

I'm sorry

Stay inside

Breathe in

Breathe out

Short

Sharp

Breaths

Inhale

Exhale

Quick

Strong

Fast

I tremble

Who can hold me down?

Who will do it?

I have lost

And they are coming

This is what this is for

For them

They will speak

And I will hear them

For better or for worse

Though it may cause me pain

Though I will be torn

I will listen

Will you listen with me?

I'm so afraid...

Lies

Lies, lies

Pour from my mouth like

Sweet honey

Drips from the hive and

You drink them up like

Water

Sickness

Inside and outside

All of me

Venom in your mouth

Still, you're by me

I feel your love

All I say is so untrue

Still your sweet ears

Hear all of my words and

All I say is so untrue

I don't know why

You still stick by me

Sweetness hear the poison

It seeps into your mind

Clouding your sweet smile

Honey

Turn around please

Before the poison

From my mouth kills

You

No

I'll stick by you

Even if it

Kills

Me

Next

This,

The next one

Might reveal me.

Have you found me?

Tell me so.

I'd rather know

That I've been found

Please let me know

Please

Open Closed

I'm never actually open

You think I reveal too much about myself

Good

Brilliant

That's my cover.

I tell you

Meaningless

Worthless

Shit about myself

So much shit

You think you know all about me

But, The Lord be praised

You know nothing about me

All that?

It's all my cover

My masks are broken

And I've nothing left to hide myself with

So I have to distract you

So that you never see my face

Never

Ever

See what was behind

You think you know

You think I've shown you

Me inside and out

You know nothing

You haven't even scratched the surface

And you never will

There is nothing of me you have seen

Only the lies I use for armor

I'm glad

That you think you know me

Because you won't dig

Through all this trash

To find out what's beneath

My cover

Is flawless

I'm enough to keep you near

I'm enough to keep you far

You won't believe there's anything to see

You won't see me

I won't let you

The closer you get

The more intricate the lies

The more difficult to get through

Never

Ever

Ever

Ever

You won't ever see me.

Goodbye

Behind this pile of shit I hide

See you when I see you

Meanwhile

I'll be busy making more lies

For you to swallow

Is it tasty?

I bet it is

I wish it was real

So how...

How...

How?

Yeah...

How do I do this?

I know

You're going to tell me to just let it out

To scream into a pillow

Let me tell you

The pillow will not do anything to muffle my screaming

No it won't

Everyone in this house will hear me

And someone will ask me if I was screaming

And then I'll feel shamed

Shame

Shame shame shame shame

Shame

It's the last thing I want to feel

No way do I want to feel it

Even remotely

I am in shame all the damn time

I can ignore it

But not if someone brings it up

Then I'll wallow in it

So how

How?

Tell me please

How can I get relief?

I can't even cry

I'm not allowed

By me

I don't let myself cry

In my head

Sure

But then my head gets weirdly warm

I'd rather not

No thanks

If I bawl

Someone will hear me

Damn it

I don't WANT anyone to hear me

Because they'll ask me what's wrong

And I won't have an answer

I don't want anyone to touch me

Don't fucking touch me

If I'm crying and you touch me

I can't take that

It's too much

I'll just stop crying

Yeah thanks, your comforting skills are superb

You made me stop right away

Aren't you glad?

It's happened before

It was the worse way I've ever been made to feel by anyone before

But it was my own damn fault

So I haven't cried since

Not in anyway that you could hear

Not in anyway that would comfort me

Not in any way that would bring me relief

This

This writing

This is me crying

Can you hear me sobbing?

No you can't

But you can read all about it

And imagine me doing it.

All of this

All of this is insane

Slowly

I drive myself into a corner

My corner

It's safe in here

Because no one will see me

No one will know

I'm sorry if I offend you

I offend myself though

So it's okay

Please don't write to tell me this is dumb

I know it is

I know I am

But this is how I am getting out

Little

By little

By little

Drip

Drop

Breathe in

Breathe out

I write

And draw

But mostly write

Things that no one sees

Now you shall see them

I shiver in my corner

Are they good?

Not

But I can breathe

After

Once they're out

So I let them out

Here

Shut up!

I hate it when you're like this.
All day not talking to me...
I hate you.
I'd scream at you, If I thought you'd listen
But you won't
How I hate you
Shut Up!
But you're not saying anything at all.
Shut Up!
Where is the noise coming from?
Make it stop! It's so loud!
Shut up!
Stop it!
Stop!
I freaking hate you.
I hate You!
I HATE you!
So hurry up and shut up already!
Who am I shouting at?
There's no one here.
So shut up then.

Mess

Messing around

One restless night

This was thought to be good

Is it?

We shall see

As time passes

And it grows on me

And it grows

What a mess...

So it goes