Be Still

Be still

Things are gonna change now.

For the better.

I promise...

Into my ear

His promise sounded hollow

His promise petrified me

Change?

Of course

His breath rolled over my face, and I closed my wet eyes

I felt him move off of me,

And lay on the mattress next to me

Change?

I lay still and hurt under the sheets

Shivering

After

Alone

I'm here

He whispered

I'm here beside you

You're trembling

Is uncalled for

I'm here.

No

You're there

I'm here

I'm alone now...

You're wrong

I am here

You won't be alone again

For better or for worse, remember?

I'm here...

You're here

Here

By your side

I'm here

So be still

Be still...

The last year

Sleep would be nice
Last year I changed school's. I started studying at a different, much more expensive college. I'm still trying to convince myself I'm worth the price.
My father is working hard to put me through this school, and I'm grateful. But I can't help thinking that they would all, all of my family, would be better off without me. I'm nothing more than a burden. I have nothing to show for my 21 years. I'm studying with kids 2 years younger than me. I don't have a chance. I keep thinking that I should just drop out and work. I can paint, or draw, or whatever on the side. I don't need to strain my family like this.
My mother, she keeps telling me how hard my father is working to earn enough money. She tells me when I'm alone with her. She tells me all the damn time. I can't take it. I can't stand it. I'm the most expensive thing in this family, and I'm not even worth it. I'm not worth all the effort everyone is putting into me.
If I died
If I went away
My family could be at ease.
My father could rest. Would he?

Last year, I had a hard time getting to my classes, because I couldn't believe I was/am in this school, and I felt like hurting myself to deserve it. I left my classes as soon as they were over, to have time to find a quiet place and make my head still, to make all the noise be still. I'd take deep breaths and hit my legs, until I could stand without tearing up.
I'd make my way back to my next class, the pain tightly bound.
Slowly, I came to realize where the pain came from.
I wished I'd never found out.
I wondered if I could go talk to the counselors, although I wasn't keen on some lady rubbing my arm as I told her my problems.
I read their policy; they'd offer assistance, until/unless it required help from an outside therapists, at which point they'd contact my parents and inform them.
I can't, absolutely can't let my parents know what's happened to me. I absolutely cannot stand to imagine how they'd look at me after that. I can't stand to imagine them holding me over this. I absolutely can't be held over this.
I pushed it to the back of my mind, and told the pain 'Later. Just wait.', every time it decided to come outside. It still hurts, but it won't tell me why. Not that I've had the guts to ask it.

I have a hard time walking from class to class, because I keep getting the terrible urge to lean over the rail. All of my classes were on the 4th floor last semester, can you imagine? I have to keep my eyes forward, and walk as close to the opposite wall as I can. I have to hold on to my classmates if I can't walk by the wall. I just tell them I'm afraid of heights, and they laugh off how tightly I'm grasping their arms.
I'm afraid of heights. I'm afraid I'll jump from heights.

But don't worry.
I've carried this pain for years and years. It's just that now I know why I want to end me.
I won't
Kill myself
I'm just going to keep on doing my 'best'. I'll keep studying to put myself above my classmates. I have to work harder than everyone, to show that I'm worth something.

I have to be worth some damn thing. I have to be good at something else
Being used can't be the only thing I'm good at, right?
It can't be.
I'll die if it is
Because no one is using me
Since no one is using me
I'm worthless now, aren't I?
No one seems to want to use me anymore.
I think I've somehow managed to make bad people stay away from me.
Somehow.

Trust

Who do you trust?
Me?
I don't trust anyone.
That is to say
I don't trust myself to tell me the truth
I don't trust people I know to be honest with me
I don't trust strangers with me
And i can't trust friends to stay by me
I'm afraid of trusting anyone
Because I don't know why anyone would help me
Or be friendly
They must want something
THey need something from me
And I'm not sure I want to give them anything
So I don't trust people
But the sad part
No
The stupid part
I can feel her in my throat
Is that I DO trust everyone
Too damn much
I always give everyone a shot
I let them prove me wrong
THe only one that's wrong is me
Alway
Over and over
People f&#% me over
They won't help me
They won't hear me
And they take things from me
I'm alway left bare and shivering
From every encounter
From every stranger I've ever said to know
Even from me
I think I'm the worst
I'm the one that royally screws me over the worst
Trust me
This time,
They'll do good by you
Trust me.
Why do I trust me?
I'm always wrong
I let me get hurt
I hurt myself
It seems on purpose

And you?
Why do I trust you with this?
You don't know me
I can't know you
You can't hurt me
I can trust in that

Asunder

I dreamt I locked a door to do something privately (maybe bathroom), and that someone entered, and then the door was unlocked.
I get the feeling it was my brother
I don't know
I'm sure it was a man
I seem to be horrendously suspicious of all the males in my family
...
Makes me sick inside
I was closed
You made me open
Why did you
Force me open?

Filth

He thrust his hand over my face, knocking me down to the ground. He kept his hand there and started pressing down. His hands... all of him was much larger than me. He was suffocating me.
I could hardly breathe, and the despair that enveloped me when I felt the grime on his palm didn't help. He had his filthy hands on me
On my face
He was touching me with filth
Filling me with filth
I was filthy
I was made filthy
I would never be clean again

Voices

When I talk to myself
In my mind
There is always so much noise
So much damn noise
It almost never stops
It only stops
If I'm scared
For whatever reason
All the noise stops
Stops dead
And it's so distracting when it does that
That I can't pay attention to whatever noise or movement scared me
But I still always know what it was.

It's distracting too with all the noise
I can hardly hear myself
I mean
I can hardly hear the thoughts I want to hear
There is constant singing
And a metallic sounding voice
And a dark sound to the right
And so much more
But I'm used to it
I can do things with the noise
Or I can listen to music
And the noise stops
But I can think
Somewhat
There's only so much thinking you can do over music with lyrics
Because lyrics make them silent
Sometimes I have to stop the music
To sift through my thoughts
Or to do math
And I can hear at the edge of my mind
The noise rising
But it lies still
It waits
For a while

Sleep would be nice

I don't want to fall asleep; Isn't that terrible?
Lately all I've been having are bad dreams,
I wouldn't call them nightmares
Not at all
I can't even remember them
I remember vague traces when I wake up
But they're bad things
Like somebody stole something from me
I mean something tangible
Like money or videogames
Just stupid things like that
But they keep me up
I can't fall asleep
I don't want to fall asleep
I'd rather stay up reading over and over all the books I've already read
Or surf youtube forever
Watch a movie
Watch cartoons
Anything
I don't care
But I can't go to sleep
I don't know what it is
But they're the only kinds of dreams I have
I wake up tense
My neck hurts
My head and my back are starting to hurt too
I'm not sleeping any different
The only different thing I'm doing is this
This blog I mean
That's the only thing I'm doing different
Could this be the cause?
I wish it was
But the strange dreams started before

Do you know that I'm getting closer?
Are you trying to keep me out?
I have been outside for years
The last year was not a good one
I've been in so much pain
And you know why
So tell me
Let me in
You're trying to protect me,
But how much more broken can I get?

Pieces

How can a girl molest another girl?
I thought it was just games
I thought how awesome it was that an older girl wanted to hang out with me.
I felt wrong afterward
I convinced myself that I needed to wash my hands
More
I needed to wash them
The filth away

All of these pieces
I don't know what to do with them
It's hard to understand
How this could be even possible
How could this have even happened?
In the home of one of my mother's friends
Her friend's daughter
To me
On me
I don't...

Nobody noticed
Nobody cared

In the pool
She tipped over a raft
And she told me to swim under
To the air bubble
The water was cold
But her lips were hot
Her lips were always hot

Damn it all
I can feel them now
And there's nothing I can do to make that sensation stop
I can hear
Something
I'd rather not hear
The house is silent
There is nothing to distract me
From all of these feelings
All of these emotions
That make me unwhole
That fill me with a sick warmth
Make them stop
Won't somebody please
Make them go away

Flurry

So it goes.I was sexually abused as a kid by an older girl. Sorry if the name mislead you, but I'm a girl.
...
I don't know who Jacob is, but he is the one I relate to the most. I found him, and he kept telling me how he was betrayed as a child, by someone he loved. Betrayed, over and over again by someone he trusted.
He didn't remember, until he was older, and that person came back.
I didn't remember until I was older.
Until after Jake told me what happened to him.
Mine is different.
She didn't come back.
She wasn't really even my friend either. She was the daughter of one of my mom's friends. We; my mother, father, brother, sister and me; we went to that woman's house often. My parents would go talk to her and her husband, about ground-up things I guess. My brother would go with their son, and they'd play video games. I would too, when she wasn't around, but they were boys, and I wasn't, so I'd usually end up being with her. She'd tell me to go with her. My sister, I don't remember what she did, though I guess she just stayed with my parents.
...
I don't know all that has happened to me. In fact, I can only remember about 3 instances with her. They're the ones that have always sort of been there, but I kept ignoring them. I still try to push them away, but I can't ignore them anymore.
I can feel a lot of things that aren't contained in those 3 pieces of memory. So many things, that it doesn't make sense that she was the only one. Why can my body feel this?
I'm afraid, that all that Jake is telling me, has happened to me. Where would he have gotten everything from, if not from me? Didn't I make him? He's only a character I drew one day, years ago.
There are some things, I can safely assume have never happened to me. Some of them are just things I've written that come from nowhere. For reference, I'll label them 'just for kicks'.

Unsafe

In my head

In my mind

I am unsafe

There is no where I can be

Where I am safe

From myself  

From others

From harm that was done to me

I can't remember it

I can't see it

I can feel it

Pushing me

And guiding me

Worthless

To hurt myself

To cause me damage

To put myself in harms way

And I do

Worthless

I hurt myself

Eagerly

Greedily

I revel in that pain

I try to push it away

But it comes back

Stronger

More hurtful

It cuts me

And tears me in two

I can see it

I can feel it

Standing

An ax swung heavily into my skull

Lying

A golf club bashing my head

Sitting

A knife cutting my skin open

But the ax prevails

Always the ax

If I think I've been bad

The ax cuts it away

If I think I can be good

It reminds me I can't

If I'm silently thinking

The ax cuts into my thoughts

It chops away at me

Until I can no longer think

I don't know what I'm doing

And I hurt myself

Then I wake up

And I realize what I've done to myself

If only I could cry

But I can't

And the ax returns to punish me

Because I've been bad

So bad

I'm bad

Don't be worried

If you catch me flinching

It is the ax doing it's job

Keeping me in line

From harmful thoughts

And from hopeful thoughts

Jacob - Not him

My heart, beating hard in my chest. Could he hear it? He must feel it. He didn't care. I didn't dare utter a sound. Like he wanted me to, I was silent. I grimaced as he unclothed my shoulder and kissed it. Before biting into it. I inhaled sharply

"Shh..." I bit my lip to keep a cry in.

Why was this happening to me? His lips brushed the length, from my shoulder, across my collarbone, to the center of my neck. He kissed the hollow, and breathed me in, making his way up. I swallowed, and his lips pressed against me, harder, for an instant. I could feel the tip of his nose, the only part of him that was cold.

I moved my face out of his way. He couldn't have my lips. I didn't want him to kiss me; he wasn't doing anything that I could love him for. And yet, if he was doing this, wasn't it for my own good? He loved me. He'd told me so. He'd shown me. Everyday, he didn't stop until I was safe. And, I was safe.

But not here.

Not alone with him. He wasn't himself. The Other breathed into my ear. My eyes, I held them more tightly shut; I didn't dare look into his eyes. I didn't dare.

Make it stop...

That's not gonna happen.

My clothes came off. Right along with his.

Why...

I fell asleep.

Slept

I don't remember

I can't remember

He won't let me.

He wen't through it for me.

But he won't let me see, what I can't take.

Little

Pieces

Snippets

Nightmares

He gives me

I don't want them

So he keeps them

Until I can see them

Until I can remember

Until I'm ready to remember

Why I can feel his nose and lips running over my skin

Why I know what his hot breath on my face feels like

Why I can feel this

Why can I feel this?