So how...

How...

How?

Yeah...

How do I do this?

I know

You're going to tell me to just let it out

To scream into a pillow

Let me tell you

The pillow will not do anything to muffle my screaming

No it won't

Everyone in this house will hear me

And someone will ask me if I was screaming

And then I'll feel shamed

Shame

Shame shame shame shame

Shame

It's the last thing I want to feel

No way do I want to feel it

Even remotely

I am in shame all the damn time

I can ignore it

But not if someone brings it up

Then I'll wallow in it

So how

How?

Tell me please

How can I get relief?

I can't even cry

I'm not allowed

By me

I don't let myself cry

In my head

Sure

But then my head gets weirdly warm

I'd rather not

No thanks

If I bawl

Someone will hear me

Damn it

I don't WANT anyone to hear me

Because they'll ask me what's wrong

And I won't have an answer

I don't want anyone to touch me

Don't fucking touch me

If I'm crying and you touch me

I can't take that

It's too much

I'll just stop crying

Yeah thanks, your comforting skills are superb

You made me stop right away

Aren't you glad?

It's happened before

It was the worse way I've ever been made to feel by anyone before

But it was my own damn fault

So I haven't cried since

Not in anyway that you could hear

Not in anyway that would comfort me

Not in any way that would bring me relief

This

This writing

This is me crying

Can you hear me sobbing?

No you can't

But you can read all about it

And imagine me doing it.