Who do you trust?
Me?
I don't trust anyone.
That is to say
I don't trust myself to tell me the truth
I don't trust people I know to be honest with me
I don't trust strangers with me
And i can't trust friends to stay by me
I'm afraid of trusting anyone
Because I don't know why anyone would help me
Or be friendly
They must want something
THey need something from me
And I'm not sure I want to give them anything
So I don't trust people
But the sad part
No
The stupid part
I can feel her in my throat
Is that I DO trust everyone
Too damn much
I always give everyone a shot
I let them prove me wrong
THe only one that's wrong is me
Alway
Over and over
People f&#% me over
They won't help me
They won't hear me
And they take things from me
I'm alway left bare and shivering
From every encounter
From every stranger I've ever said to know
Even from me
I think I'm the worst
I'm the one that royally screws me over the worst
Trust me
This time,
They'll do good by you
Trust me.
Why do I trust me?
I'm always wrong
I let me get hurt
I hurt myself
It seems on purpose
And you?
Why do I trust you with this?
You don't know me
I can't know you
You can't hurt me
I can trust in that
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Asunder
I dreamt I locked a door to do something privately (maybe bathroom), and that someone entered, and then the door was unlocked.
I get the feeling it was my brother
I don't know
I'm sure it was a man
I seem to be horrendously suspicious of all the males in my family
...
Makes me sick inside
I was closed
You made me open
Why did you
Force me open?
I get the feeling it was my brother
I don't know
I'm sure it was a man
I seem to be horrendously suspicious of all the males in my family
...
Makes me sick inside
I was closed
You made me open
Why did you
Force me open?
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Filth
He thrust his hand over my face, knocking me down to the ground. He kept his hand there and started pressing down. His hands... all of him was much larger than me. He was suffocating me.
I could hardly breathe, and the despair that enveloped me when I felt the grime on his palm didn't help. He had his filthy hands on me
On my face
He was touching me with filth
Filling me with filth
I was filthy
I was made filthy
I would never be clean again
I could hardly breathe, and the despair that enveloped me when I felt the grime on his palm didn't help. He had his filthy hands on me
On my face
He was touching me with filth
Filling me with filth
I was filthy
I was made filthy
I would never be clean again
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Voices
When I talk to myself
In my mind
There is always so much noise
So much damn noise
It almost never stops
It only stops
If I'm scared
For whatever reason
All the noise stops
Stops dead
And it's so distracting when it does that
That I can't pay attention to whatever noise or movement scared me
But I still always know what it was.
It's distracting too with all the noise
I can hardly hear myself
I mean
I can hardly hear the thoughts I want to hear
There is constant singing
And a metallic sounding voice
And a dark sound to the right
And so much more
But I'm used to it
I can do things with the noise
Or I can listen to music
And the noise stops
But I can think
Somewhat
There's only so much thinking you can do over music with lyrics
Because lyrics make them silent
Sometimes I have to stop the music
To sift through my thoughts
Or to do math
And I can hear at the edge of my mind
The noise rising
But it lies still
It waits
For a while
In my mind
There is always so much noise
So much damn noise
It almost never stops
It only stops
If I'm scared
For whatever reason
All the noise stops
Stops dead
And it's so distracting when it does that
That I can't pay attention to whatever noise or movement scared me
But I still always know what it was.
It's distracting too with all the noise
I can hardly hear myself
I mean
I can hardly hear the thoughts I want to hear
There is constant singing
And a metallic sounding voice
And a dark sound to the right
And so much more
But I'm used to it
I can do things with the noise
Or I can listen to music
And the noise stops
But I can think
Somewhat
There's only so much thinking you can do over music with lyrics
Because lyrics make them silent
Sometimes I have to stop the music
To sift through my thoughts
Or to do math
And I can hear at the edge of my mind
The noise rising
But it lies still
It waits
For a while
Sleep would be nice
I don't want to fall asleep; Isn't that terrible?
Lately all I've been having are bad dreams,
I wouldn't call them nightmares
Not at all
I can't even remember them
I remember vague traces when I wake up
But they're bad things
Like somebody stole something from me
I mean something tangible
Like money or videogames
Just stupid things like that
But they keep me up
I can't fall asleep
I don't want to fall asleep
I'd rather stay up reading over and over all the books I've already read
Or surf youtube forever
Watch a movie
Watch cartoons
Anything
I don't care
But I can't go to sleep
I don't know what it is
But they're the only kinds of dreams I have
I wake up tense
My neck hurts
My head and my back are starting to hurt too
I'm not sleeping any different
The only different thing I'm doing is this
This blog I mean
That's the only thing I'm doing different
Could this be the cause?
I wish it was
But the strange dreams started before
Do you know that I'm getting closer?
Are you trying to keep me out?
I have been outside for years
The last year was not a good one
I've been in so much pain
And you know why
So tell me
Let me in
You're trying to protect me,
But how much more broken can I get?
Lately all I've been having are bad dreams,
I wouldn't call them nightmares
Not at all
I can't even remember them
I remember vague traces when I wake up
But they're bad things
Like somebody stole something from me
I mean something tangible
Like money or videogames
Just stupid things like that
But they keep me up
I can't fall asleep
I don't want to fall asleep
I'd rather stay up reading over and over all the books I've already read
Or surf youtube forever
Watch a movie
Watch cartoons
Anything
I don't care
But I can't go to sleep
I don't know what it is
But they're the only kinds of dreams I have
I wake up tense
My neck hurts
My head and my back are starting to hurt too
I'm not sleeping any different
The only different thing I'm doing is this
This blog I mean
That's the only thing I'm doing different
Could this be the cause?
I wish it was
But the strange dreams started before
Do you know that I'm getting closer?
Are you trying to keep me out?
I have been outside for years
The last year was not a good one
I've been in so much pain
And you know why
So tell me
Let me in
You're trying to protect me,
But how much more broken can I get?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Pieces
How can a girl molest another girl?
I thought it was just games
I thought how awesome it was that an older girl wanted to hang out with me.
I felt wrong afterward
I convinced myself that I needed to wash my hands
More
I needed to wash them
The filth away
All of these pieces
I don't know what to do with them
It's hard to understand
How this could be even possible
How could this have even happened?
In the home of one of my mother's friends
Her friend's daughter
To me
On me
I don't...
Nobody noticed
Nobody cared
In the pool
She tipped over a raft
And she told me to swim under
To the air bubble
The water was cold
But her lips were hot
Her lips were always hot
Damn it all
I can feel them now
And there's nothing I can do to make that sensation stop
I can hear
Something
I'd rather not hear
The house is silent
There is nothing to distract me
From all of these feelings
All of these emotions
That make me unwhole
That fill me with a sick warmth
Make them stop
Won't somebody please
Make them go away
I thought it was just games
I thought how awesome it was that an older girl wanted to hang out with me.
I felt wrong afterward
I convinced myself that I needed to wash my hands
More
I needed to wash them
The filth away
All of these pieces
I don't know what to do with them
It's hard to understand
How this could be even possible
How could this have even happened?
In the home of one of my mother's friends
Her friend's daughter
To me
On me
I don't...
Nobody noticed
Nobody cared
In the pool
She tipped over a raft
And she told me to swim under
To the air bubble
The water was cold
But her lips were hot
Her lips were always hot
Damn it all
I can feel them now
And there's nothing I can do to make that sensation stop
I can hear
Something
I'd rather not hear
The house is silent
There is nothing to distract me
From all of these feelings
All of these emotions
That make me unwhole
That fill me with a sick warmth
Make them stop
Won't somebody please
Make them go away
Monday, July 5, 2010
Flurry
So it goes.I was sexually abused as a kid by an older girl. Sorry if the name mislead you, but I'm a girl.
...
I don't know who Jacob is, but he is the one I relate to the most. I found him, and he kept telling me how he was betrayed as a child, by someone he loved. Betrayed, over and over again by someone he trusted.
He didn't remember, until he was older, and that person came back.
I didn't remember until I was older.
Until after Jake told me what happened to him.
Mine is different.
She didn't come back.
She wasn't really even my friend either. She was the daughter of one of my mom's friends. We; my mother, father, brother, sister and me; we went to that woman's house often. My parents would go talk to her and her husband, about ground-up things I guess. My brother would go with their son, and they'd play video games. I would too, when she wasn't around, but they were boys, and I wasn't, so I'd usually end up being with her. She'd tell me to go with her. My sister, I don't remember what she did, though I guess she just stayed with my parents.
...
I don't know all that has happened to me. In fact, I can only remember about 3 instances with her. They're the ones that have always sort of been there, but I kept ignoring them. I still try to push them away, but I can't ignore them anymore.
I can feel a lot of things that aren't contained in those 3 pieces of memory. So many things, that it doesn't make sense that she was the only one. Why can my body feel this?
I'm afraid, that all that Jake is telling me, has happened to me. Where would he have gotten everything from, if not from me? Didn't I make him? He's only a character I drew one day, years ago.
There are some things, I can safely assume have never happened to me. Some of them are just things I've written that come from nowhere. For reference, I'll label them 'just for kicks'.
...
I don't know who Jacob is, but he is the one I relate to the most. I found him, and he kept telling me how he was betrayed as a child, by someone he loved. Betrayed, over and over again by someone he trusted.
He didn't remember, until he was older, and that person came back.
I didn't remember until I was older.
Until after Jake told me what happened to him.
Mine is different.
She didn't come back.
She wasn't really even my friend either. She was the daughter of one of my mom's friends. We; my mother, father, brother, sister and me; we went to that woman's house often. My parents would go talk to her and her husband, about ground-up things I guess. My brother would go with their son, and they'd play video games. I would too, when she wasn't around, but they were boys, and I wasn't, so I'd usually end up being with her. She'd tell me to go with her. My sister, I don't remember what she did, though I guess she just stayed with my parents.
...
I don't know all that has happened to me. In fact, I can only remember about 3 instances with her. They're the ones that have always sort of been there, but I kept ignoring them. I still try to push them away, but I can't ignore them anymore.
I can feel a lot of things that aren't contained in those 3 pieces of memory. So many things, that it doesn't make sense that she was the only one. Why can my body feel this?
I'm afraid, that all that Jake is telling me, has happened to me. Where would he have gotten everything from, if not from me? Didn't I make him? He's only a character I drew one day, years ago.
There are some things, I can safely assume have never happened to me. Some of them are just things I've written that come from nowhere. For reference, I'll label them 'just for kicks'.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)